Half My Life Without Mom

So, it's my birthday this week. YAY. I'm turning 32. Not usually a big number or a reason to get up in arms. Except it is to me. My mom lost her battle against cancer when I was 16. This means I will now have celebrated as many birthdays with my mother as I have without her. Every year on the anniversary of her death, I envision I have less and less of a hard time. But it's never true. Every time, it's like a sucker punch to the gut. Day to day life is easier, but the wound never fully healed. And I'm not sure it ever will, even if I live to be 100.

My mom and I when I was 6.

My 16th birthday, the last one with my mom, was probably one of the worst days for birthdays. My father was flying in from somewhere and his flight was delayed. So I ended up hanging out at home alone for almost the entire day waiting for my parents to get home (not to mention my birthday usually falls on Memorial Day weekend and all my friends were out of town with their families). Dinner was late, and I don't think we even had a cake made. Most of the details are fuzzy. I know, without a doubt, had my mom known it was the last birthday I'd celebrate with her, she would have made sure it was an amazing one. But the truth is, none of us know when will be our last. Which is why we must make sure to make every one count! 

(Don't worry moms, I'm equally guilty of dropping the rope on making fun parties happen for the kids)

Ever since that day, I've realized the rest of the year followed my birthday. If I had a bad day, my year wouldn't be the greatest. Silly thoughts? Maybe. But it's part of why I try to enjoy celebrating my birthday to it's fullest. I rarely succeed, but I try.

I'm never one to throw a huge party for myself, and if there is one, I like bbq style get togethers. I love surprise parties, but as a mom now, there wouldn't be much surprise since I'd have to clean the house or I'd be thinking the whole time that my house looks like THAT house. Plus, my kids are terrible at keeping secrets. 

My adorable kiddos

As I look at my kiddos, I know the love my mother felt for me. I know my mom and I would have been very close if she were still with us physically. My life most likely would have gone in a completely different direction. My husband and I probably wouldn't have met or even if we did, we wouldn't have had that one thing in common that got us talking in the first place (my late father-in-law passed a few years before I met my husband). And I know I wouldn't be as close to my father. 

My Father walking me down the aisle in 2008

My dad has always been amazing. He says he doesn't know what he did to make me think that, but I see a man who lost a spouse at a young age, and still had to raise a 16 year old, hormonal, spunky girl (not to mention my 18 year old brother who had enlisted in the Marines 2 years prior to 9/11). I look at my husband now, and cannot imagine the strength it takes to raise your kids after the death of your other half.

My Husband and I hiking the Arizona Trail earlier this month

My kids have made me into a new person too. One that makes me sad I cannot share this life with my mom. Being a mother, without your own, is a very hard walk. I didn't envision it to be so difficult. After I had my oldest, I hated seeing any grandmother/mother/daughter pairing. I was jealous initially, and thankfully have since worked through that. My mom was a great mom. Sure, she had her moments, but she was mine. My kids NEVER had the opportunity to meet her or hug her. I never even got pictures of my children with her.

The Martina McBride Song, "In My Daughter's Eyes" reminds me that my mother does indeed live on in me, and I can help her to live on in my daughters as well. Peanut and Bean Sprout may never have met Carla Niemy Taft, but they can know her through stories, and how I act, because it's the way she raised me. My mother will never truly be gone from my life. She is always a part of me. Just because I've now lived as much and more life without her physically present than with doesn't mean she's not with me every day.

I plan to enjoy this birthday. I'll be in Nashville with my doTERRA buddies for the Regional Conference. I'm excited! I don't want to be miserable on my birthday and I know my mother wouldn't want me to as well. Instead she'd like me to enjoy my life and my kids. To live each day to the fullest. And to tell stories of her to my children and friends who never met her.

Here's to 32!

God Bless.

Christianity and Depression: Part One

I'm a Christian and I suffer major bouts of depression.

Yes, you read that right. 

But how? Why? Haha, I wish I knew why. My husband wishes he knew. He'd like to just fix it and move on. He's an engineer. So he's a fixer as our oldest loves to call him. But depression, like happiness, is only on the person it affects to actually 'fix' or at least mine is. 

It's all in how you react to what life throws at you. And I continually say that I've lived a very privileged life so far. But I've dealt in the past with many issues others do. Flat broke? check. Abusive relationship? check. PTSD? Check. Childhood trauma? Definitely check. I could probably go on. The thing is, I probably have every excuse in the book to allow my depression to define me. And in this day and age, not many would fault me for it. 

But there's one thing I have on my side. One thing. Love. Even at my deepest, darkest time, I knew I was loved. Maybe not by the people that should have. But I knew God did. And there's no way to say that without sounding cliche. But if you've had a deep, true relationship with Jesus, you know it isn't cliche. It's deep, and it's divine.

But I haven't always felt that way. Even though I grew up in the Church, I never memorized scriptures. Sure I knew the stories of the Bible, but never the true scriptures behind them. Recently, I memorized my very first scripture. It was a big milestone, but I felt almost foolish to share this fact. Two main reasons kept me from sharing, at least what my own mind kept telling me. A. my non Christian friends wouldn't really understand how big of a deal this is. and B. my Christian friends would not understand why I hadn't done this years ago. 

But it is a big deal. Even more so that the verse I kept coming back to was this one: "Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." Matthew 6:34 NIT This is a major scripture verse for a control gal like myself to understand. God has this. He has me! And He has your life too. 

I want you to join me over the next few weeks as I blog about different tips and tricks I've picked up in dealing and coping with depression. So bust out that Serenity and Lavender, and stay tuned. And please, if you are struggling with depression or know someone who is, please contact a professional therapist to help. I've been to my share of them and know when you find a good one, amazing and life changing things will happen in your life. Don't be afraid of them. Know you are loved. And God is most certainly on your side.